guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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