do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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