I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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