You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
