Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
