As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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