i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
NoShamevember. You game?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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