im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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