if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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