I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
