I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
