I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
