Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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