i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
if only i could text you this smell
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
