cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
