I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
