I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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