Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
high people should be assigned attendants
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
