my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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