I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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