drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
