Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
