rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
