i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
