mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
