I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
