I'm laying in your front yard are you home
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I wear drunk well.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
