My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
