I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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