I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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