I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
