i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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