i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
