If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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