Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
