apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Every concussion has its silver lining
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
