He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
