I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
