yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
