Your mouth is God's brothel.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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