Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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