is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
