I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
