you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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