every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
