my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
My pussy is not your playground.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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