i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
