Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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