yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
