phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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