anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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