I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
