It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
As shirtless as possible
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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