So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
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