He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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