Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
