Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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