gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize